Another very experienced foster carer recently wrote to let us know that our paper resonated with her, and agreeing that this area is one that is ‘massively overlooked’. She gave examples of four children who she has kept in touch with after they have been adopted.
"For each of these children the adoptive families have received differing advice from their social workers and from other adopters who they have met - and have then come to us asking what we think."
She describes how – without being prescriptive – her own views about the importance of a gradual transition have influenced the mindset of the adopters, leading to a shared belief in the importance of keeping old relationships alive.
"We have been very clear about how we have prepared the children for moving to them - having their photo over the child's cot, actively looking at it each night, lots of looking at their family book etc. and have tried to help them think through how they might help such a young child to understand who we are and why they are not with us any more. All the families have then reciprocated in some way - our photo up in the child's bedroom at their house, looking at the photobook of their time with us during the first few weeks and talking a lot in the early stages about what being a foster carer/adopter means."
What she describes seems to be a model for foster carers to remain an important source of support to adopters as well as children, supporting the new family while celebrating the old one, in a very containing way:
"As time has gone on the families have each settled into their own rhythms of contact with us and some are more proactive than others. We try, once a term, to draw all the families together for a meal at our house, not only cementing the relationship between us and them, but also giving chance for relationships to build between the adoptive families whose children all had the same start in life in the sense that they started out in our home. It has been wonderful to see that develop into a setting that benefits us all, with newer adopters asking advice of those who have been on the road a little longer."
This idea, that foster carers can remain a benign source of support and love for children long after they have moved, is very different from the familiar mindset whereby past attachment figures are feared as potentially disruptive to new placements. It offers an experience of continuity for children and also for their new parents. She ends her email by saying:
"I am sure that more positive encouragement for foster carers to be willing to provide ongoing relationally based support to adopters would be something that could be of huge benefit to adoptive families."
Please find Ruth's full email below (printed with her permission:
"For each of these children the adoptive families have received differing advice from their social workers and from other adopters who they have met - and have then come to us asking what we think."
She describes how – without being prescriptive – her own views about the importance of a gradual transition have influenced the mindset of the adopters, leading to a shared belief in the importance of keeping old relationships alive.
"We have been very clear about how we have prepared the children for moving to them - having their photo over the child's cot, actively looking at it each night, lots of looking at their family book etc. and have tried to help them think through how they might help such a young child to understand who we are and why they are not with us any more. All the families have then reciprocated in some way - our photo up in the child's bedroom at their house, looking at the photobook of their time with us during the first few weeks and talking a lot in the early stages about what being a foster carer/adopter means."
What she describes seems to be a model for foster carers to remain an important source of support to adopters as well as children, supporting the new family while celebrating the old one, in a very containing way:
"As time has gone on the families have each settled into their own rhythms of contact with us and some are more proactive than others. We try, once a term, to draw all the families together for a meal at our house, not only cementing the relationship between us and them, but also giving chance for relationships to build between the adoptive families whose children all had the same start in life in the sense that they started out in our home. It has been wonderful to see that develop into a setting that benefits us all, with newer adopters asking advice of those who have been on the road a little longer."
This idea, that foster carers can remain a benign source of support and love for children long after they have moved, is very different from the familiar mindset whereby past attachment figures are feared as potentially disruptive to new placements. It offers an experience of continuity for children and also for their new parents. She ends her email by saying:
"I am sure that more positive encouragement for foster carers to be willing to provide ongoing relationally based support to adopters would be something that could be of huge benefit to adoptive families."
Please find Ruth's full email below (printed with her permission:
Dear Sophie
I am a foster carer (and adoptive parent) and have just been given a copy of the article from Adoption and Fostering (published some time last year I believe) concerning your research as titled above.
I would just like to say a big Thank You to you for raising this issue as it is something I agree is massively overlooked. In the last 7 years we have moved 4 children on to adoption.
Child one came to us at 3 months (we were his 3rd carers) and moved on at nearly 3 years old.
Child two came at 8 months (having previously been in a mother and baby placement until her mum walked out) and left at 20 months.
Child three came at 6 days old and left at 20 months.
Child four - a half sibling of child three - came at 1 month (straight from SCBU, where I was able to spend time with him for the week before he moved to us) and left at 8 months.
For each of these children the adoptive families have received differing advice from their social workers and from other adopters who they have met - and have then come to us asking what we think.
We have made it clear that the decision is theirs - it is their family - but also tried to encourage them that we are very happy to continue to be involved in whatever way they choose in the life of their child.
We have been very clear about how we have prepared the children for moving to them - having their photo over the child's cot, actively looking at it each night, lots of looking at their family book etc. and have tried to help them think through how they might help such a young child to understand who we are and why they are not with us any more. All the families have then reciprocated in some way - our photo up in the child's bedroom at their house, looking at the photobook of their time with us during the first few weeks and talking a lot in the early stages about what being a foster carer/adopter means.
As time has gone on the families have each settled into their own rhythms of contact with us and some are more proactive than others. We try, once a term, to draw all the families together for a meal at our house, not only cementing the relationship between us and them, but also giving chance for relationships to build between the adoptive families whose children all had the same start in life in the sense that they started out in our home. It has been wonderful to see that develop into a setting that benefits us all, with newer adopters asking advice of those who have been on the road a little longer.
I think there is so much lacking in the way we move children on in terms of thinking realistically about what that child is processing and how to support it, and I am sure that more positive encouragement for foster carers to be willing to provide ongoing relationally based support to adopters would be something that could be of huge benefit to adoptive families.
Many thanks once again
Ruth Fox
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