Source: nomorethantwenty.wordpress.com/2017/04/01/the-final-insult/

I have a feeling I’m about to wade into an area that has nuances and textures that I don’t appreciate. In which case I’d prefer to position this post as an in-principle perspective. In other words, in an ideal world my position may be correct, but where ideal and real worlds meet the same position could not always be held. I should also state that our LO had only one set of foster parents from 10 months old to 3 1/2, and this will have skewed my perspective.

I had the great fortune to speak at conference for the Welsh National Adoption Service in Cardiff this week, and the even greater fortune to follow Lynne Cudmore, co-author of ‘The children were fine’: a report on the “complex feelings in the move from foster care to adoption”.

Not only was Lynne the most wonderful speaker, whose gentle but powerful style must have come directly from her Welsh forebears, but her subject matter filled me with the kind of passion only the righteous in a Merthyr Methodist chapel could have felt.

Lynne’s insight was on how the focci of the transition during introductions shifts subtly away from the child to the ‘process’, and how following that, in the ‘quadrat’ of adoption, the primary and defining relationship becomes between the birth family and the new adoptive family, with the foster carers moving from Mum and Dad to dutiful professionals. And how all these movements can deny the child the opportunity to grieve in a healthy way the pain of another severance.

I hated introductions. Everything about it felt wrong. It felt designed by a project manager with the goal to “get it all over with”. I didn’t get a sense that this process had been designed over many years with the extensive support of those who understood severance and grief. Just the well-meaning. I just couldn’t understand how you could read Dan Siegel or Nancy Verrier and then agree to move a child from their own hard-won precarious, sense of permanence to severance and then back to “permanence” within 7-10 days.

I couldn’t understand why the general consensus was that we should “leave it a few months” before seeing the foster parents again.  Just to make sure, I guess, that the child genuinely believed they were unwanted – as opposed to simply fearing it.

I couldn’t understand the language of “choice” in deciding whether to have future and on-going contact with the foster family.  As if it was our choice to make. As if the feelings that mattered in this were mine and my husband’s – and not our son’s.

I couldn’t understand how we could learn that feelings expressed were always better than feelings oppressed and then have it suggested by others that if contact with foster parents caused our LO distress we may consider stopping it. As though being able to say “Leaving the foster-parents seemed to have little effect on Jonny” was a good thing.

I still don’t understand how we can know that our children take each severance as a rejection of their very self and then accept it when we hear of a foster family who refuse contact with their previous wards because it “upsets them”. It makes me mad. Who cares how they feel.

In medical terms an insult is a physical or mental injury, and in many senses a trauma is also an insult to the brain – causing the formation of pathways that may not be beneficial to the child. Is the way we currently manage that transition simply the final insult?

I’m a nice person. I understand and empathise with the complexities of feelings this transition creates. However I’m not so liberal that I think that the feelings of the adults  affected by the movement into adoption matter that much.

I feel astonished that we have learned so much about neuroscience, trauma and attachment and yet design a process and make decisions that we must know deep down are more about adults and systems than children and feelings. I believe that as we learn more we will recognise that our good intentions in balancing the needs of all parties in the transition to ‘permanence’ we may in fact be harming again – but with our gentle hands.

Please don’t be offended if you have navigated this process with sensitivity and empathy and reached a different decision – fully in the interests of your child. Your child may have had multiple foster-carers, or those who fostered but didn’t care. They may have taken a brisk professionals who swept in and swept out. There are many reasons why contact may not be healthy, and I do not know your life. Forgive me if I make wild sweeping judgements on others – no two situations can ever be the same. But I do believe changing the way we look at adoption, and specifically this transition where we have an opportunity to be more intelligent, more informed and more child-centred, means we may need to accept that we have been part of the problem we spend our lives trying to fix – and that there is a better way.

​Please visit Jayjayell's website and Twitter account, as his post has had some really great feedback.

Here are some excerpts from recent feedback we have received. These contributors have asked to be kept anonymous.

​
We had looked after our little girl for two years when she went to her adoptive parents. We requested if it would be possible for us to keep in touch with her. We were fortunate and lucky enough that her adoptive parents accepted this and the role that we had had in this little girl’s life. It is also with the clear knowledge that if it was detrimental to her that we would not continue with it. This was six years ago and we still meet up a few times each year to catch up swap birthday/Christmas gifts. She is now attached to her parents and is still happy to meet us and remind her mum about it too if too much time has passed.
 (Foster carer)
 
Please keep up this research. It needs to be proven that the foster carers have a significant role in these children's lives whether they are adopted or moved to other foster carers. There is bereavement for the child as well as the foster carers attached to each loss whether it be a positive or negative move. Anything done to salvage each bit of positive relationship is worth it in the long run building the child's resilience and more importantly trust in others. 
 (Foster carer)
 
Our little girl we always insisted that we would see her foster family and went against the social workers advice and saw them earlier (about 8 weeks) …  no dramas, and have seen them multiple times since.  In fact, she missed their son more as she was more lonely at home without someone to play with.  …. Not being able to go to her birthday party was just silly and a year later we have forged a more natural arrangement which again goes against the grain, so they see each other in holidays and go to each others parties etc. Like a normal family member rather than a formal arrangement.
(Adopter)
 
Sometimes I think adopters think more about themselves and not the wishes of the children. They are so busy in the "our family, go away now" mode, whether that be nervousness about being seen as their parents, a question of jealousy or burying head in the sand.
 
Best of luck with the research! Changing the attitudes of especially first time adopters is key so they aren't scared of the extended family, and realise what benefits it can bring.
 (Adopter)
 
 
Even before introductions foster carers are made to feel unimportant and are not allowed to know the address of adopters, despite introductions taking place in the home of the foster carers. We did not get to see our foster child for five months.  When we did meet up, he was overjoyed to see us and our children.  Unfortunately since then we have received no further contact. All foster carers are advised that they are not allowed to phone or email the adopters. The adopters have to make contact. 
 
We had no problems at all during introductions or during the meet up.  We can only presume that they feel insecure. However we would dearly love our foster child to know how precious they are to us! We loved her every bit as much as our own children, who have had to come to terms with the fact that they will not be a part of this little girl’s life and will probably never see her again.
 
Please please disseminate your research! Foster carers do an amazing job! Change attitudes, starting with the social workers and then move onto the adopters!!
 (Foster carer)
 
 
Before introductions my wife was very concerned that she would cry when the time came to say goodbye to the child. She did not want to upset the child. …  On the day the child left, the social worker commented how well the child coped.  It is only after reading your research, that I realise that she was just being compliant!  Heartbreaking!  no-one is looking after the emotional needs of these children, when they move from foster care.
 
I would be overjoyed if you could be some sort of catalyst for change.  As foster carers, we are powerless!
 (Foster carer)
 
 
We fostered a girl for nearly 3 years. ….It took a lot longer than expected to get an adoptive family and by which time she had become a very special member of our family. She met the adopting couple on a Monday and saw them for a couple of hours … every day for 5 days. There was no contact over that weekend and then they took her to see their home on the next Monday. On Tuesday they came and took her forever. We have more or less been 'dumped' and it’s like a death in the family. I rang her SW and was given the minimum of news and worry constantly that she is experiencing the same feelings as us and having a total ban on hearing anything about us. I'm totally in favor of the adoption and did my best to make the move go as smoothly as possible and I understand that she needs to be allowed to settle in but I cannot see how it can help either her, or us, to have just totally disappeared out of each others lives. Because of my experience I'll never long term foster again.
 (Foster carer)
 
 
I totally agree with further training and support with prospective adopters around attachments and the importance retaining meaningful contact.
 (Foster carer)

​I am a foster carer of 23 years and have facilitated 13 adoptions, I was so happy to receive 'the children were fine' from my Adoption Manager because at last I felt someone was looking out for the best interests of the children, and not for the best interests of the adopters. I do so hope the momentum carries on.

I have experienced some good transitions, but also some very distressing ones.

Hi Sophie/Lynne,

I read with interest your article in the Guardian. I am a children's social worker who is also an adoptive mum. We maintained a relationship with our son's foster carer and her family which continues to this day. Birthday and Christmas presents are exchanged and we have been to weddings and christenings. 

We have pictures of his foster family in his bedroom - they had looked after him as a small baby up to nearly three years old, when he was placed with us. His foster carer passed away and with the foster family we supported him through that and maintained contact with her adult daughter.

Initially I admit to feeling threatened; she had been the only 'mother' figure he had known. I read a really old book by Vera Fahlberg and slept on it. My husband and I agreed his emotional wellbeing was most important - more than anything else - so we got on with it.

​You are both highlighting one area, as I am sure you both know there are other parts of the adoption 'journey' that need thought as well.

Kindest Regards

​Syd and Elaine have made significant progress in working towards a change in policy for transitions into adoption. They feel their local authority is a listening and caring one, ready to learn from current research and prepared to draw on the experience of the Foster Carers and Social Workers who are engaged in the difficult task of helping Looked After Children move from Foster Care to Adoption.

They have recently emailed us with an update:

​Hello Sophie and Lynne,

We've looked at your web page, the information it gives out will be of great help to folk who, like ourselves, are struggling to find the best way of ensuring good outcomes for the children who are moving on.

Following continued pressure from our small group, our local authority Education and Childrens' Services took our paper "Moving from Fostering to Adoption", and discussed it extensively among the Family Placement and Permanence Teams.

They decided that many of the suggest changes in practice were sensible, and agreed to take them forward.

On Wednesday, our Head of Service presented a half day training, covering the whole process of moving a child on, from approval to adopt right through to contact by Foster Carers after the move to the adopters' home.  The changes to practise initiated by our paper were detailed for the benefit of the Foster Carers present.

The areas in which the ideas put forward by Emma, Marco, Elaine and myself have been implemented:

• Foster Carers are to be invited to visit to the prospective adopters' home, and give information about the child in a place familiar and comfortable to the adopters, rather than a formal meeting room in an office building.
  
• Acceptance that the 7 to 10 day for introductions rule needs to be more flexible and tailored to the individual child, length of time with Carers, age, verbal or pre-verbal, etc.  Up to 21 days will be available if needed.
  
• A Co-ordination Meeting after the child has visited the new home and spent time there with the adopters, in order to gauge their readiness for the final move.
  
• A statement from the outset, especially to outside adoption agencies and other local authorities that the Foster Carers will visit the child in its new home, tapering off the frequency of the visits as the child's attachment moves to the adoptive parents.  The dates/timing for the visits will be set and agreed at the Co-ordination Meeting.
  

We consider this to be a very satisfactory outcome.

On behalf of our small group, I thank you for producing the report "The Children Were Fine" which initiated and encouraged us to go forward with our approach to our local authority.

Also, we thank you on behalf of the children engaged in future transitions. We are sure that your work will ease and improve the transition into their new life and help them become stable, secure and happy young people.

Regards,

Syd and Elaine

My sister is a foster carer for a local authority and they are quite good at encouraging contact, at a suitably agreed length of time, after a child has left foster care and entered adoption. She has managed to maintain contact intermittently with all three young children who have moved on as babies. It has worked well. 

Another very experienced foster carer recently wrote to let us know that our paper resonated with her, and agreeing that this area is one that is ‘massively overlooked’. She gave examples of four children who she has kept in touch with after they have been adopted.

"For each of these children the adoptive families have received differing advice from their social workers and from other adopters who they have met - and have then come to us asking what we think."

She describes how – without being prescriptive – her own views about the importance of a gradual transition have influenced the mindset of the adopters, leading to a shared belief in the importance of keeping old relationships alive.

"We have been very clear about how we have prepared the children for moving to them - having their photo over the child's cot, actively looking at it each night, lots of looking at their family book etc. and have tried to help them think through how they might help such a young child to understand who we are and why they are not with us any more.  All the families have then reciprocated in some way - our photo up in the child's bedroom at their house, looking at the photobook of their time with us during the first few weeks and talking a lot in the early stages about what being a foster carer/adopter means."

What she describes seems to be a model for foster carers to remain an important source of support to adopters as well as children, supporting the new family while celebrating the old one, in a very containing way:

"As time has gone on the families have each settled into their own rhythms of contact with us and some are more proactive than others.  We try, once a term, to draw all the families together for a meal at our house, not only cementing the relationship between us and them, but also giving chance for relationships to build between the adoptive families whose children all had the same start in life in the sense that they started out in our home.  It has been wonderful to see that develop into a setting that benefits us all, with newer adopters asking advice of those who have been on the road a little longer."

This idea, that foster carers can remain a benign source of support and love for children long after they have moved, is very different from the familiar mindset whereby past attachment figures are feared as potentially disruptive to new placements. It offers an experience of continuity for children and also for their new parents. She ends her email by saying:

"I am sure that more positive encouragement for foster carers to be willing to provide ongoing relationally based support to adopters would be something that could be of huge benefit to adoptive families."

Please find Ruth's full email below (printed with her permission: